Oh, Good. MTV is Getting into the Buzzfeed Market.

Lists! Lists all the time!

xallthey

Here’s what I have to say in response to this paint-by-numbers men-are-icky listicle:

1. They know how to wire 17 devices through one surge protector…

Is that difficult? Put the plug in the socket. This is beyond female ken? Really?

2. But have no idea how to put down the toilet seat.

*sigh*  Yes we do. We have the idea to put it down every time we have to go no. 2. The only idea we don’t have is this odd expectation that the toilet seat is always going to be in the optimum position for us when we approach it. If we have to sit on it, and the seat is up, we put it down! I know! Like, without complaining or anything!

areyouawizard

3. They can proficiently operate an elaborate system of multiple remotes and cable boxes…

If you say so, sister. I get frustrated with mine a good deal. Inanimate objects vex me. My wife is much better with them.

4. But feel overwhelmed by using more than one shower product for all of their bathing needs.

Not overwhelmed. We just don’t see the point. You come out of the shower, you’re clean. We come out of the shower, we’re clean. Except you do it with fifteen different products and we do it with one. Whatever floats your boat, I guess.

5. They can easily be slipped vegan food if you focus on the fact that it is a “home cooked meal.”

Deception. The basis of any healthy relationship.

You do realize that you’ve given him a license to sneak bacon into your food, right?

6. They like football.

Because women don’t.

7. Like, a lot.

Because they like it so much that it takes up two places!

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8. But are totally not into reading laundry labels.

Okay, so far there’s been at least a tenuous juxtaposition between complicated things we do/simple things we don’t. But here the heuristic falls apart. How does “liking” football contrast with “totally not being into” laundry labels. Do women actually like reading laundry labels? Or do they just own clothes in so many different fabrics that it’s simply good sense to pay attention to them? Whereas guy clothes usually come in three fabrics:

  • Cotton, which washes well, and can only be dried wrong once
  • Polyester/blends, which wash and dry fine
  • Wool, which gets dry-cleaned

Our laundry lives just aren’t that complicated.

9. They collect tools in the same way that we collect nail polish…

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10. And the poor things think doing chores is as fun as having your nails did.

It’s the difference between doing something and chatting while something is done for you. Different strokes for different folks.

Also, I feel like most guys don’t consider mucking around with tools “chores” in the same sense that vacuuming and dishes are “chores”.

11. Finally, the three farts a day when you each had your own place? That was him holding back.

Women are dainty flowers who never expel methane from their rectum, said no husband ever.

You’re terrible at this, MTV. Go back to doing…whatever you do these days. Exploiting dumb people for giggles, last time I checked.

Examining The Emperor’s New Groove: Because Sometimes Buzzfeed is Right…

Yes, it’s the usual feast of gifs and OMGLOL, but they have stumbled upon a point.

The Emperor’s New Groove is so unlike any other Disney animated film, that I often have to remind myself that it’s Disney.

In the first place, it’s not a musical. Not really. There’s a quick song at the beginning, reprised at the end, but otherwise it’s remarkably capable of establishing characterization without bursting into song. This is just before PIXAR took charge of all non-musical Disney films, so it’s noteworthy that they even tried this.

In the second place, it’s spirit is snarky, silly, and self-aware, in a way that Disney movies almost never are. Sure, you have the occasional Flynn Rider, but most of the time they end up Facing Their Feelings in the third act. The very basic moral lesson of TENG – being a self-absorbed jagoff leads to misery – does not require any real shift in tone.

That tone bears far more resemblance to classic 30’s screwball comedies (in fact, the film is classified as such on Wikipedia) than to anything else Disney has ever done. Basically, this is the closed Disney ever got to making a Looney Tunes cartoon.

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Wikipedia also says the the director, Mark Dindal, was a Disney journeyman who “drastically” altered the script to a comedy after an initial effort to make a traditional Disney animated film called Kingdom of the Sun, “didn’t work out.” He also directed Chicken Little, and so no longer works at Disney.

So that might explain that.

Friday Linkfest: They May Take Our Votes, But They’ll Never Take OUR FREEDOM

This is one of those Fridays that doesn’t feel like Friday. It feels like “Where did that week go?” Still, I’ll take it.

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Why Germans pay cash for almost everything

Originally posted on Quartz:

As banks, technology giants and would-be disruptors such as Square scrummage over the payment system of the future, German consumers seem perfectly happy with the payment system of the past. Germany remains one of the most cash-intensive advanced economies on earth.

On average, wallets in Germany hold nearly twice as much cash—about $123 worth—as those in Australia, the US, France and Holland, according to a recent Federal Reserve report on how consumers paid for things in seven countries. Roughly 80% of all transactions in Germany are conducted in cash. (In the US, it’s less than 50%.) And cash is the dominant form of payment there even for large transactions.

Share-of-payment-volume-made-in-cash_chartbuilder

No one knows precisely why Germans have such a strong preference for cash, though survey data offer some hints. German respondents suggested that using cash makes it easier to keep track of their money and spending [pdf].

“A glance into one’s pocket provides a signal about the…

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Richard III was Attacked All At Once, Died Swiftly

No horse was going to save him.

Read the whole thing, as it’s very interesting, and jibes with what accounts of Bosworth I have read.

Of course, it bears pointing out that Richard fought like a mad boar at Bosworth, killing Henry Tudor’s standard bearer and very nearly getting to Henry himself before he was surrounded. Also, no contemporary source records the “My kingdom for a horse” line. Some traditions declare his last words to be “Treason!” but it’s entirely possible that he was given no chance to say anything at all.

 

P.J. O’Rourke Tells Hard Truths About Scots Independence

It’s like the old days, man.

I don’t say this as a prejudiced Irishman. Even though the thistle-arse sheep-shagger Scots swiped Ulster and sent a herd of Presbyterian proddy dogs and porridge wogs to squat on our land and won the Battle of the Boyne in 1690 by using unfair—indeed, unheard of —- organization, discipline, and tactics on an Irish battlefield. We Micks only hold a grudge about such things for 300 years or so.

My only interest in an independent Scotland is whether it would retain any aspects of the monarchy, and if so, which. Given the lefty bent of the Scots, I feel as though they would instead become a boring Europublic with an elected figurehead President and a rotating door of Prime Ministers.

Well, mayhap the lairds will have something to say about that.

 

I Was a Teenage Playwright

Really, a collegiate playwright, but that doesn’t make the same stale pop-cultural reference.

In any case, one of the ways I spent my days in university instead of exercising or learning how to talk to girls was writing one-act plays. Some of them were bedroom-type farces, some had theological and/or philosophical pretenses. All were silly. But when I come back to them, I have the same enjoyment as when I first typed them out. They still have a cheeky charm.

Two of them are out on Amazon.com, and the rest should be by the end of the month or so.

sendintheclowns         clinical insanity

 

Click the images for the Amazon link.